Saturday, December 4, 2010

Extreme Hoarders Condiment Edition


I found 27 packets of Chinese mustard in my kitchen. Nobody in this house eats mustard. Why are we saving this crap? 

 There's a colander on my counter that isn't being put to its intended use because it's filled with sauces. Taco, duck, soy and hot to mention a few . Even if in some post-apocalyptic future these packets are used as currency, I'm wondering if it might be considered overkill. 


 Today, I had a serious discussion over the value and virtues of honey packets with my friend Tina. We've decided they're liquid gold because some restaurants have switched to an inferior honey 'sauce' so their value has increased sharply with their scarcity as with any precious commodity.  I've been made an honorary administrator of a sweetener packet liberation front because of my heroic efforts but I don't know how far that will carry me as a leader in a war-torn flavorless condiment-less future. 

If I open a drawer there are 400 packets of ketchup, both Heinz and Hunts because it's not Hunts fault it isn't Heinz, is it?  How many times have I gone through a fast-food drive-thru and asked for ketchup and they gave me exactly three?  That's got to be illegal somewhere. It's inhumane. Even if you count all the french fries I eat on the way home, there still isn't enough ketchup-to-fry ratio and this could throw my whole dining experience off kilter.


Once, in the throes of a momentary lapse in faith in humanity, I asked a drive-thru associate for an 'obscene' amount of ketchup in the hope of getting more than the reluctant grudgingly given trio. I knew I was taking a risk but sometimes I will dance on the razor sharp edge of the disposable butter knife just for the thrill of it all and damn skippy if he didn't wink and reward me with a big sack filled to the brim with the good stuff. I was triumphant.  I also outed him as a fifth-columnist to my comrades in the movement.

 A year later we're still eating the ketchup. According to a condiment packet expiration chart on Google, we've got a good year before I either have to go on another packet safari or break down and buy a squeeze bottle. Either way, it's these small victories that propel us who dream of bigger and better trophies like those adorable Andes mints from Olive Garden and miniature bottles of Tabasco you can find in some casino hotels. 


Yeah I may not have any room in the fridge for lunch meat because of the butter pats crowding the drawer but have you seen the price of butter lately?  Go ahead and laugh but I've got enough individually wrapped sporks to feed that future army and who you gonna call when you have nothing to eat your Chinese mustard with, huh?  You want something to spread on those packets of saltines from Wendy's? I'm your girl. I have those awesome little foil pans of seedless blackberry jam found only at Crackerbarrel.  


Before you judge my condiment confessional, reconsider. Everyone I know has a dirty secret in their junk drawers. My dad has twist-ties.  Someone else I know has rubber bands. Spouse keeps used batteries.  I have no idea why but at least he doesn't keep them in the refrigerator anymore because that's where I keep those little half and half cups I get at the diner.


  1. Hah!! My grandmother had a drawer full of corks. A lot of other things, too, that I won't go into...

    Thank you for lifting me to celebrity status for my condimental ways, dear. I feel deliciously notorious! ;-P


  2. Ha! What a fabulous post! Still giggling!