Sunday, July 7, 2013

The Great Escape Pre-Takeoff Log

'When people say you've changed and they can't talk to (yell at) you anymore, it's because you no longer fit their demands of who THEY think you should be.'


Tonight I stepped outside for some cool air and saw that the big pot of purple petunias was exploding with lush blooms. My grandmother was outside and I took.advantage of the opportunity to give her insulin then and we chatted peacefully. I looked down at the petunias and noticed the most beautiful gray moth I'd ever seen. It was big and fluffy and I could see the patterns and striations in its wings and body. It stayed with us for a few minutes while I talked to it and thanked it for its very meaningful visit.
The significant visitation of a moth means transformation, new direction, finding ones way in the darkness, spiritual and psychic growth, attraction, unexpected messages and joy.
It also represents letting the scaffolding in our lives that imprison us to fully collapse for us to take flight and folliw the light and not fear the darkness.


Wonton was microchipped, inoculated and given flea and tick treatment without much fanfare.  She got lots of toys and treats. I got the bill. When we arrived at home, her top-of-the-line kitty kadillac stroller had arrived along with various accoutrements. This cat will eat better than me. In fact.....

 *I* was admonished for Wonton being ONE POUND OVERWEIGHT. I said she was genetically predisposed to being spoiled rotten. 

We protested by eating a container of Philly smoked salmon cream cheese. And by 'we', I mean, she let me lick the lid.


It's pouring outside, I'm lying in bed in the dark listening to the soft white noise of the little table fan and a lone firefly is giving me a light show just outside my window.

I've started saying goodbye to everything here just like I did to my own home for a year before I left the ex. 

Most of my stuff is in storage but I still can't fit two years of living in this little room in my car, plus I'm saying goodbye to people I may never see again, some of whom I'm very glad to be leaving and some whom I'm heartbroken about. But I have to do this for me, even though I don't quite know what 'this' is. 

I guess that's part of what I'll figure out when me and my feline co-pilot are in a safer place.


I think I'm going to bite the bullet, have faith the money will come from somewhere and get the a/c fixed. I can deal with heat but even if I make her bed in an ice cooler, I don't want to put Wonton's life in danger. We went out for a short trip which included highway and she was wilted when we came home. 

Thanks to friends donating to my Paypal account. If anyone else wants to chip in for the great escape, is my Paypal account addy.

I've called the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, Travelers Aid hotline and local domestic crisis and women's centers. None if them have any resources nor even want to hear anything. Unless you're in immediate physical danger and then they tell you to dial 911. 
I asked all of them, So if a person finds the strength to leave a bad situation and has somewhere to go but needs help getting there, there's no organization or structure within one to help them? They all said, nope and two actually laughed.


Inaugural walk on leash with Wonton: dismal failure.
Inaugural drag on leash with Wonton: FIVE STARS!!!!


 Omg omg omg I'm sitting in the back of my car, door open, one leg out, cleaning, and s black bear just walked up to me. Right up to me. I'm yelling at it to go. It's a yearling but it keeps coming back. It came up to me the moment I said, You're coming with me Donny. He always shows up as a bear. It touched me! Kept coming over even when I closed the car door and said shoo shoo!

 I've spoken with shamans and bears don't appear anywhere in my totem. Bald eagle is my main spirit animal, with ravens appearing a lot and ravens are shape-shifters....
I've been told I'm shamanistic since I seem to attract so many animals in significant ways but a bear always appears when I'm praying and thinking about my brother Donny, even when he was alive. As I prepare for this roadtrip to TX alone, I'm having dreams about my sister Lisa and Donny and others who've passed over but seem to be wanting to make the trip with me.  I'm not joking when I say this bear seemed gently persistent in getting in the car WITH ME.


As my date of departure is nearing, I'm getting more signs dreams, closure and confirmation. I am surer and surer I'm doing the right thing.


I haven't slept all night, not at all. Had 'racing thoughts', an anxiety thing. Add to that, bone-tired hypothyroid, and chronic fatigue. I just got up to give Gran insulin and I'm thisclose to hallucinating from being so fatigued and sleep-deprived that I had to beg off hopeful Gran who I'd promised to take on errands today. She took it like a trooper, thank God. An angel calls and says, So and so will be there Fri AM and they can take you and Gran everywhere and you can leave your car at the mechanic, so go get some sleep.

 I'm looking at piles of packing that needs to get done and laundry too and the clock is ticking.....but I'm taking something to knock me out cos I can't even stand. Please send lots of positive energy and prayers. I need lots of energy to make this journey. Thanks. Now going to snooze on the couch (cooler room) in my Hello Kitty panties and hope no one shows up at the door.


 Today my gran found the nursing home she'll be moving to soon. We were sitting outside talking about it, (she's optimistic) while saying goodbye to her parakeet and my dad's cat who have found sumptuous new digs. 

My horoscope said an unexpected windfall would occur, and I've been finding loose change and bills, I'd mislaid and friends are still contributing to my Psypal account, so everything is falling into place.
As we were talking, I noticed a large bug headed for me, buzzing loudly and got up snf went into the house. 

We continued talking inside and I felt something crawling on my bare back and grabbed a hairbrush to push whatever it was off. Five full minutrs later, the same giant bug buzzed past my face and landed on the window screen beside it. Wonton and I investigated. Gran asked what it was. A giant beetle! (not cicada...they've come to me as well). Soon Wonton and I lost interest and we both decided to take naps. I sat up from the couch and found the beetle headed straight for her on the floor as she regarded it with as much interest as drying paint. 

I got a cup and saucer, scooped it up and set it free outside. 

Many many big changes going on. For the most part, it's being accepted and even embraced.
The significant visit of a beetle (which was evidently the stowaway in my dress) means RESURRECTION. It signifies transformation, change, needing new sunshine and leaving the past behind.

And so, we do.


 Today I'm spending Sunday inside, kinda resting. I'm in this hot little bedroom but thankful I had a roof over my head for nearly two years. I had blankets and a little heater to keep me warm in winter, and two little portable fans and a lock on the door so I could sleep with as little (or no) clothes on as possible in the summer. The view outside my window was always breathtaking and every morning I woke up and said, Today is a beautiful day before I began my affirmations.

Sleeping in the room my baby brother died in, indeed, the bed itself, is bittersweet. I feel him with me frequently, especially during prayer, meditation and when I can't sleep at night, but at the same time, know he is happy and in a safe place where there is no pain and he is loved by all. I believe when we shed our our physical forms, we can travel at the speed of thought so when I need him and Lisa and others who have been perfected or are working it through, they communicate to me that they're around and they're helping. I know angels both human and supernatural are at work.

If not for the donations to my Paypal account, I would be unable to make this journey on the day I MUST go. If not for the encouraging emails, IMs, PMs, calls, messages, gifts and discounts, dreams, cards in the mail, prayers, positive healing energy, love, and support from human, animal and spiritual beings, I would be frightened and unsure.

I am sure.

Universe tells me every single day and proves it.

So today I was determined to retrieve things that had fallen between the headboard and the head of the bed wedged tightly against it. I couldn't physically pull it away. It was stuck by a piece of loose baseboard heater. But I found a pair of tongs and was able to maneuver things and pulled bits out piece by piece. I found papers, both mine and his, and photographs which I know his widow will appreciate. I found a plate, bowl and spoon which may have been from his last meal. I'm taking the spoon with me. I found two things I'd lost, one which I'll mention here; a piece of clear kunzite.

Kunzite is a crystal which helps adjustment and allows healthy functioning. It calms, comforts and cleanses negative energy and traumatic energy. It helps stressed out and sleepless or overstressed children and animals, so Wonton will benefit too while traveling. It also softens the mood while traveling to avoid road rage and calms difficult passengers (not that the Ninja Pirate Pimp Diva Warrior Princess will be 'difficult').
It increases intuitive powers and helps repel negativity and harmful spirits.

Another thing I found is something Donny lost. I was quite surprised to find it. It was a stuffed black lamb. As some of you might remember, Donny's favorite color was black. People often think 'occult' when they see black, but occult means hidden, which is not bad. It means the unseen and if we have faith, there is nothing to fear, even in total darkness. There's also another meaning overshadowed by the first. Black also means 'to trust' and I'm taking this as a message from Donny again, since he's sending me all these black animals, mice, a squirrel, yearling bear and now the stuffed lamb, to trust. Trust God, trust him and those guiding me, trust Universe, trust the friends who are opening their home to me, and trust myself.

Sheep often indicate timidity or followers. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm neither but I did toe the line for most of my life pleasing others who could never be pleased and always wanted more, rarely giving or with unreasonable illogical strings attached. Lifetime grudges held and conditional love or what their idea of love was and is.

Donny, on the other hand was introverted and more reserved but he had many friends who adored him. He was loyal and loving. The black lamb also has another meaning. In our family, Donny and I were treated differently. I've touched on that here and there and feel no need to repeat it, nor defend it, as I embark on a new life, but black sheep we indeed were. Unwanted, undesirable, not up to expectations.

One lesson sheep offers is that you if you are wishing to move past your poorly choose actions, you can. A sheep's coat is sheared away and it is later cleaned and spun into clothing which offers warmth to others. You too can shed away any dirtiness you are feeling and begin anew with a scrubbed clean slate. You are not worthless just because you made some mistakes or believe you made mistakes people assigned to you which you are innocent of. Sheep medicine teaches that all experiences have value. You can use your mistakes as teaching tools to assist others not to fall into the same muck you did, or to offer a helping hand to pull them up out of their personal muck.

Because this was not a sheep but a lamb, it also teaches us to quiet ourselves, listen, and reserve our energies because we are growing. And indeed, I am.

Donny is coming with me and Wonton. So is Lisa, so is my mom and my grandparents that have passed over but have contacted me. So is Chris Ranski, Scott Butler and Mr. Peaches. Everyone who felt imprisoned is hitching a ride, whether they passed on or not. Their chains are broken, were broken when they left this earthly plane, but they are my fellow spiritual travelers, partners in crime, and guides, on my karmic journey which begins very soon.

The oracle cards I keep pulling are Freedom, On Target, and Blossoming. 

I think that says it all. And I am grateful.


Independence Day

Although I sincerely wish I could be enjoying some crunchy grilled hot dogs, a cold beer and fireworks, I'm spending the day packing my belongings into trash bags, Ziplocs, boxes and luggage. My Independence Day will be a week from today so I've got to get moving. I haven't bought any food for the house since I'm leaving but a can of SpaghettiOs will do just fine.

Last big BBQ I attended was my own. Planned for months, shopped and prepared for weeks, cooked three days non-stop. As soon as over 50 guests began arriving, ex-spouse disappeared only to reemerge much later with his 'friend' beside him. It was lonely as hell. Today, in this little room by myself,.sorting stuff, somehow I feel less alone than when I was surrounded by friends, family and neighbors, but rejected by my own husband. Now I'm shedding the old. Ruin is indeed the road to transformation. Hope all this stuff fits in the car. 

Happy Independence Day, USA!