'When people say you've changed and they can't talk to (yell at) you anymore, it's because you no longer fit their demands of who THEY think you should be.'
I stepped outside for some cool air and saw that the big pot of purple
petunias was exploding with lush blooms. My grandmother was outside
and I took.advantage of the opportunity to give her insulin then and we
chatted peacefully. I looked down at the petunias and noticed the most
beautiful gray moth I'd ever seen. It was big and fluffy and I could see
the patterns and striations in its wings and body. It stayed with us for a few minutes while I talked to it and thanked it for its very meaningful visit.
The significant visitation of a moth means transformation, new
direction, finding ones way in the darkness, spiritual and psychic
growth, attraction, unexpected messages and joy.
It also represents
letting the scaffolding in our lives that imprison us to fully collapse
for us to take flight and folliw the light and not fear the darkness.
Wonton was microchipped, inoculated and given flea and tick treatment without much fanfare. She got lots of toys and treats. I got the bill. When we arrived at home, her top-of-the-line kitty kadillac stroller had arrived along with various accoutrements. This cat will eat better than me. In fact.....
*I* was admonished for Wonton being ONE POUND OVERWEIGHT. I said she was genetically predisposed to being spoiled rotten.
We protested by eating a container of Philly smoked salmon cream cheese. And by 'we', I mean, she let me lick the lid.
pouring outside, I'm lying in bed in the dark listening to the soft
white noise of the little table fan and a lone firefly is giving me a
light show just outside my window.
I've started saying goodbye to everything here just like I did to my own home for a year before I left the ex.
Most of my stuff is in storage but I still can't fit two years of
living in this little room in my car, plus I'm saying goodbye to people I
may never see again, some of whom I'm very glad to be leaving and some
whom I'm heartbroken about. But I have to do this for me, even though I
don't quite know what 'this' is.
I guess that's part of what I'll figure out when me and my feline co-pilot are in a safer place.
think I'm going to bite the bullet, have faith the money will come from
somewhere and get the a/c fixed. I can deal with heat but even if I make
her bed in an ice cooler, I don't want to put Wonton's life in danger.
We went out for a short trip which included highway and she was wilted
when we came home.
Thanks to friends donating to my Paypal
account. If anyone else wants to chip in for the great escape,
email@example.com is my Paypal account addy.
called the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, Travelers Aid hotline and
local domestic crisis and women's centers. None if them have any resources nor even
want to hear anything. Unless you're in immediate physical danger and
then they tell you to dial 911.
asked all of them, So if a person finds the strength to leave a bad
situation and has somewhere to go but needs help getting there, there's
no organization or structure within one to help them? They all said,
nope and two actually laughed.
Inaugural walk on leash with Wonton: dismal failure.
Inaugural drag on leash with Wonton: FIVE STARS!!!!
omg omg I'm sitting in the back of my car, door open, one leg out,
cleaning, and s black bear just walked up to me. Right up to me. I'm
yelling at it to go. It's a yearling but it keeps coming back. It came
up to me the moment I said, You're coming with me Donny. He always shows
up as a bear. It touched me! Kept coming over even when I closed the
car door and said shoo shoo!
spoken with shamans and bears don't appear anywhere in my totem. Bald eagle
is my main spirit animal, with ravens appearing a lot and ravens are
been told I'm shamanistic since I seem to attract so many animals in
significant ways but a bear always appears when I'm praying and thinking
about my brother Donny, even when he was alive. As I prepare for this
roadtrip to TX alone, I'm having dreams about my sister Lisa and Donny
and others who've passed over but seem to be wanting to make the trip
with me. I'm not joking when I say this bear seemed gently
persistent in getting in the car WITH ME.
my date of departure is nearing, I'm getting more signs dreams,
closure and confirmation. I am surer and surer I'm doing the right
haven't slept all night, not at all. Had 'racing thoughts', an anxiety
thing. Add to that, bone-tired hypothyroid, and chronic fatigue. I just
got up to give Gran insulin and I'm thisclose to hallucinating from
being so fatigued and sleep-deprived that I had to beg off hopeful Gran
who I'd promised to take on errands today. She took it like a trooper,
thank God. An angel calls and says, So and so
will be there Fri AM and they can take you and Gran everywhere and you
can leave your car at the mechanic, so go get some sleep.
I'm looking at
piles of packing that needs to get done and laundry too and the clock
is ticking.....but I'm taking something to knock me out cos I can't even
stand. Please send lots of positive energy and prayers. I need lots of
energy to make this journey. Thanks. Now going to snooze on the couch
(cooler room) in my Hello Kitty panties and hope no one shows up at the
my gran found the nursing home she'll be moving to soon. We were
sitting outside talking about it, (she's optimistic) while saying
goodbye to her parakeet and my dad's cat who have found sumptuous new
My horoscope said an unexpected windfall would occur, and
I've been finding loose change and bills, I'd mislaid and friends are
still contributing to my Psypal account, so everything is falling into place.
As we were talking, I noticed a large bug headed for me, buzzing loudly and got up snf went into the house.
We continued talking inside and I felt something crawling on my bare
back and grabbed a hairbrush to push whatever it was off. Five full
minutrs later, the same giant bug buzzed past my face and landed on the
window screen beside it. Wonton and I investigated. Gran asked what it
was. A giant beetle! (not cicada...they've come to me as well). Soon
Wonton and I lost interest and we both decided to take naps. I sat up
from the couch and found the beetle headed straight for her on the floor
as she regarded it with as much interest as drying paint.
I got a cup and saucer, scooped it up and set it free outside.
Many many big changes going on. For the most part, it's being accepted and even embraced.
The significant visit of a beetle (which was evidently the stowaway in
my dress) means RESURRECTION. It signifies transformation, change,
needing new sunshine and leaving the past behind.
And so, we do.
I'm spending Sunday inside, kinda resting. I'm in this hot little
bedroom but thankful I had a roof over my head for nearly two years. I
had blankets and a little heater to keep me warm in winter, and two
little portable fans and a lock on the door so I could sleep with as
little (or no) clothes on as possible in the summer. The view outside my
window was always breathtaking and every morning I woke up and said, Today is a beautiful day before I began my affirmations.
Sleeping in the room my baby brother died in, indeed, the bed itself,
is bittersweet. I feel him with me frequently, especially during prayer,
meditation and when I can't sleep at night, but at the same time, know
he is happy and in a safe place where there is no pain and he is loved
by all. I believe when we shed our our physical forms, we can travel at
the speed of thought so when I need him and Lisa and others who have
been perfected or are working it through, they communicate to me that
they're around and they're helping. I know angels both human and
supernatural are at work.
If not for the donations to my
Paypal account, I would be unable to make this journey on the day I MUST
go. If not for the encouraging emails, IMs, PMs, calls, messages, gifts
and discounts, dreams, cards in the mail, prayers, positive healing
energy, love, and support from human, animal and spiritual beings, I
would be frightened and unsure.
I am sure.
Universe tells me every single day and proves it.
So today I was determined to retrieve things that had fallen between
the headboard and the head of the bed wedged tightly against it. I
couldn't physically pull it away. It was stuck by a piece of loose
baseboard heater. But I found a pair of tongs and was able to maneuver
things and pulled bits out piece by piece. I found papers, both mine and
his, and photographs which I know his widow will appreciate. I found a
plate, bowl and spoon which may have been from his last meal. I'm taking
the spoon with me. I found two things I'd lost, one which I'll mention
here; a piece of clear kunzite.
Kunzite is a crystal which
helps adjustment and allows healthy functioning. It calms, comforts and
cleanses negative energy and traumatic energy. It helps stressed out and
sleepless or overstressed children and animals, so Wonton will benefit
too while traveling. It also softens the mood while traveling to avoid
road rage and calms difficult passengers (not that the Ninja Pirate Pimp
Diva Warrior Princess will be 'difficult').
It increases intuitive powers and helps repel negativity and harmful spirits.
Another thing I found is something Donny lost. I was quite surprised to
find it. It was a stuffed black lamb. As some of you might remember,
Donny's favorite color was black. People often think 'occult' when they
see black, but occult means hidden, which is not bad. It means the
unseen and if we have faith, there is nothing to fear, even in total
darkness. There's also another meaning overshadowed by the first. Black
also means 'to trust' and I'm taking this as a message from Donny again,
since he's sending me all these black animals, mice, a squirrel,
yearling bear and now the stuffed lamb, to trust. Trust God, trust him
and those guiding me, trust Universe, trust the friends who are opening
their home to me, and trust myself.
Sheep often indicate
timidity or followers. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm neither but I
did toe the line for most of my life pleasing others who could never be
pleased and always wanted more, rarely giving or with unreasonable
illogical strings attached. Lifetime grudges held and conditional love
or what their idea of love was and is.
Donny, on the other
hand was introverted and more reserved but he had many friends who
adored him. He was loyal and loving. The black lamb also has another
meaning. In our family, Donny and I were treated differently. I've
touched on that here and there and feel no need to repeat it, nor defend
it, as I embark on a new life, but black sheep we indeed were.
Unwanted, undesirable, not up to expectations.
sheep offers is that you if you are wishing to move past your poorly
choose actions, you can. A sheep's coat is sheared away and it is later
cleaned and spun into clothing which offers warmth to others. You too
can shed away any dirtiness you are feeling and begin anew with a
scrubbed clean slate. You are not worthless just because you made some
mistakes or believe you made mistakes people assigned to you which you
are innocent of. Sheep medicine teaches that all experiences have value.
You can use your mistakes as teaching tools to assist others not to
fall into the same muck you did, or to offer a helping hand to pull them
up out of their personal muck.
Because this was not a sheep
but a lamb, it also teaches us to quiet ourselves, listen, and reserve
our energies because we are growing. And indeed, I am.
coming with me and Wonton. So is Lisa, so is my mom and my grandparents
that have passed over but have contacted me. So is Chris Ranski, Scott
Butler and Mr. Peaches. Everyone who felt imprisoned is hitching a ride,
whether they passed on or not. Their chains are broken, were broken
when they left this earthly plane, but they are my fellow spiritual
travelers, partners in crime, and guides, on my karmic journey which
begins very soon.
The oracle cards I keep pulling are Freedom, On Target, and Blossoming.
I think that says it all. And I am grateful.